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Blending Families
A blended family occurs when the original family units break down and two new families come together. Whilst everyone wants everything to happen and settle down quickly, patience is key, particularly when two families begin their new lives together.
When families come together, it can be a difficult time for everyone involved, but there are steps you can take to make life a little easier. The blended family unit is nothing new but making it work is still something for which there is no one clear answer. There isn’t a magical approach that will help everyone to get along, but there are ways that can help to ease tensions and make things more cohesive.
Preparing your children for change is a good first step. Encourage them to ask questions and be honest with your answers. Reassure them about how their lives are going to be affected – what will change and what won’t. Talk to them about what to call their new family members, how often they will see their other family, where they’re going to live, and whether they will be sharing rooms with their new siblings.
Day to day routine can be very important. Helping around the house, shopping trips and nights in together playing games or watching a film are a part of everyday life and will help to establish a routine and a familial feel. Fun days out are important too, but it is structure that can make a real difference.
Try and develop some new family traditions as these can help to smooth the transition into a new family unit. This might be as simple as a games night, a Sunday meal together or having a special routine for birthdays or festive celebrations. These might all seem like very simple actions, but they can help to create feelings of stability and inclusiveness.
Discipline and disagreements can be difficult areas to get right. It is important to have a plan in place for how discipline will be handled in the household so that there is no confusion or feelings around unfairness. Family meetings can be a good way of allowing everyone a chance to speak, although it is important to keep control of things and only allow one person to speak at a time! Try and welcome all opinions and then work towards a practical approach that not only comes to a solution for everyone, but that also works in similar situations in the future. It’s also important to defer to the primary carer of the child when it comes to discipline, at least initially. Support them in their decisions and be active in the outcomes, by providing a positive support structure in the home one can gradually become a reliable parental figure to the child.
It is vital to get your finances and will in order too. David Bondt, associate at JMW provides valuable insight into the realities of blended families and planning for the future.
He told Primary Times “Blending a family can be very complicated time and, while attention is on what is happening in the short term, the future can get overlooked. As the first generation of blended families ages, we’ve seen a rise in the number of wills being invalid or contested - largely due to a lack of planning.
The number of these cases handled at JMW has more than trebled in the past year, increasing by 343% from 2015/16 to 2016/17 - many of which have involved step or half families.
Although writing or amending your will may not seem like a priority in the early stages of blending a family, it is a reality that must be faced so as not to cause legal issues or complications for your family, should the worst happen to you.
Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all approach, so it is recommended that you consult a legal professional for advice to get the best, and fairest, outcome for all parties dependent on your family structure.”
This advice applies to almost every facet of the realities of blended families – there is no universal approach. Every family will have a unique situation and unique circumstances. Every child is an individual, so you will know what will work best for your child and how much structure or freedom they will need during this time. Perhaps the most important thing to remember is to try and limit your expectations as adjustments take time for everybody. Children need time to become part of a new family, but with open communication, understanding and good planning, the transitional period can be made a little bit easier.